May, 2025 | 5min read
💥 Use silence if validating or questioning someone’s response. Stay silent long enough and they’ll spill their guts and tell you the whole truth.
I had the pleasure of coaching another leader in municipal government – these are my peeps!
This was a laser coaching session – focusing on one problem/challenge. This leader shared her leadership challenges and in particular, balancing approachability and assertiveness.
➤ Ever struggled with this, either at work or home?
You see, this leader recently transitioned from peer/colleague to leadership. And for the most part, her current style leans heavily towards approachability, often at the expense of assertiveness.
➤ Maybe you have a similar style? Perhaps partly because of unapproachable leaders in your past.
Some of the things we talked about were:
- Effective communication
- Share your expertise
- Set boundaries
- Adapt your approach to different situations
This leader was incredibly appreciative of our session and offered really positive feedback. It was also a great session because she was fully present.
💥 Coaching only works when you put in the work!
If we dig a bit deeper, there are ways to balance warmth and competence.
I’ve recently been learning more about body language and cues, and how to manage warmth and competence. Here are some things I’m practicing, which also help increase charisma.
These might sound simple, but as we all know, simple doesn’t mean easy.
💥 Want the Approachability vs Assertiveness worksheet? Keep reading.
In no particular order – other than how these are popping up in my head as I write this:
- Smile more.
- Three moderately-paced nods in a row = I’m interested, keep going.
- Vary your voice pitch and pace for emphasis. Get slow and quiet for more meaningful points.
- Use the power of the pause/silence after making an important point.
- Silence can also be used if you’re validating or questioning someone’s response. Stay silent long enough and they’ll spill their guts and tell you the whole truth.
- Use a lower inflection when finishing sentences, so that your sentences don’t sound like questions. Higher inflection can take away from your competence and charisma.
- Start and end sentences with the same energy – don’t trail off… off… off
- Instead of filler words, use a pause/silence. Or simply, let the silence be the filler word. Instead of saying “Uhmm, ahhh or like” – breathe. This is the filler word.
- Sit and stand without slouching. This also helps you project your voice.
- Be in control of your body and eye contact. Too much moving around and too little eye contact can take away from your assertiveness.
Ok – that’s quite a lot. Easy there Parm!
➤ Here’s my challenge – pick two or three from the above list – share these with me so that I can cheer from the sidelines. And then go out and test.
Oh, the last thing I shared with the leader I mentioned above is a worksheet to help manage Approachability vs Assertiveness. This is a self-reflective tool to help you better understand current and future state when it comes to being approachable and assertive.
💥 Curious to see where you stand? Just reply with “WORKSHEET” and I’ll send it your way. No pressure, just support.
Want to keep building on you communication and public speaking? Check out this blogpost: MAGIC ON THE MIC.
Keep growing, keep showing up. And as always, Conquer Your Potential
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